Dad of All Trades, Master of None

Domesticated, Not Demasculinized

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Fall is Vastly Underrated

Posted by doatmon on August 26, 2006

You can take your summer and shove it. Spring? There is just no manly way to carry an umbrella. It doesn’t exist. I hate spring. And winter? If before you were born, someone said, “Listen, for ¼ of your life, you will not see the sun, every morning you’ll have to scrape ice off of your car using a credit card, you’ll lose half of your wardrobe to salt stains and, oh, the best thing going is hurtling down hills in ridiculous outfits with gigantic sticks on your feet. Wouldn’t everyone north of the Mason-Dixon still be pregnant? Yeah, winter blows too.

But fall. I LOVE fall. I really shouldn’t be this excited about fall. It feels icky. But for the last several weeks I have been sitting in the air conditioning, staring outside, BEGGING for a leaf to fall off of a tree. I feel like writing a poem about fall. Sadly, I cannot write poetry if it doesnt start with “There once was a man from Nantucket” SOOO…I’ll just list the reasons I love fall.

Football in general – FINALLY there will be something to watch on the weekend other than Beverly Hills 90210 re-runs (was there something sexy about Andrea or is that just me?). Okay, realistically, the beauty of football is its not confined to the weekends anymore. Monday Night Football? Check. I love Tony Kornheiser by the way. Great columnist from the Washington Post. Should do very well. Thursday night football? Check. Even my wife will watch hoping for a glimpse of Kirk Herbstreit. I give him 10 years until he’s David Hasselhoff redux. But I digress.

High school football – Stared last weekend. We are so tremendously lucky here in Ohio to have the high school football tradition we do. Friday nights truly are magical. Dreams are made, shattered and fulfilled all under the under-powered lighting of local football fields. And those are just the kids trying to get laid under the bleachers. The football is great too. Is there a better event to go to with your family than a high school football game? If anyone says a Wiggles concert, I will shoot them.

College football – Clearly I am an Ohio State fan and bleed scarlet and gray. But the lesser known gems are the Washington and Jefferson’s and Wittenberg’s of the world. Tremendous football teams, tremendous history and tradition and a fraction of the cost. Oh and they’re on DIII college campuses. Open container laws? Grilling restrictions? We leave that to the big time schools. Of course, theres no “Girls of the NCAC” issue for Playboy. So big schools do have some perks. There are few things that create Goosebumps quicker than hearing an alma mater at a football game. I didn’t even GO to Ohio State and I almost start weeping like Dick Vermeil when I hear those chimes at Buckeye games. Carmen Ohio, oh why are you so good? With the standard caveats (spending time with my wife/daughter, blah blah…sorry honey), is there a better feeling/experience than tailgating? Standing by a Weber, in the jersey of your favorite team, a slight bite in the air, just enough to feel those needle pricks on your skin, throwing a football, talking to random people just because they happen to be parked next to you, drinking something “hoppy” out of a can, joining in a tone-deaf rendition of the fight song…I think I may go home and grill in the middle of the street just for fun.

Pro football – Two words. Fantasy Football.

Start of Network TV Programming – No, there isn’t network TV programming on during the summer. It doesn’t exist. I will not debate this point. I love my wife dearly. And I love our walks in the evening. Every evening. But come on, agree with me here everyone, around 8:00 there’s just nothing more you have to say to each other. In the summer, you have to pretend…sitting out on the porch, saying how lovely it is. When in the back of your mind, you’re really thinking, “I may go inside and watch re-runs of My Name is Earl, I need to remember the plot line for next season.” Am I the only one geeked for the new Studio 60 show? And the return of Weeds on Showtime. Classic television.

Fall Festivals – Those of you not from Ohio probably haven’t had the pleasure of attending the Circleville Pumpkin Festival. Look it up. It’s huge. Something about wearing a long sleeve shirt and buying a cup of hot chocolate that makes those festivals enjoyable. In the summer, I would rather lose a finger. But in the fall? Priceless. And seriously, can anything where they sell pumpkin ice cream, pumpkin chili, pumpkin tofu, pumpkin sushi really be bad?

I stop sweating – Since I work with some of you and innocently flirt with others of you, Ill leave out the details of this one. Trust me. It’s a good thing.

The Little Brown Jug – I will probably lose many of you here, but it’s a tradition in my family. For those of you who dont know, this is a horse race in Delaware, Ohio that attracts almost 70,000 people. It’s like the worlds largest truck stop wet t-shirt contest. Its the Kentucky Derby…but without the pompous and ostentatious displays of money. And the godforsaken hats. At the Jug, everyone is friendly and just there to have a good time. The horse racing is fantastic, but really it’s the whole experience from fried tenderloin sandwiches to lawn chairs tied to the fence to save seats that make it memorable. Just trust me. Everyone should go once. I am NOT in danger of getting a job offer from their PR department anytime soon, eh?

Knee-length skirts and knee-high boots – There may not be a more welcome fashion trend in the past 50 years. You may have to go back to cleavage-forcing corsets in Europe. I’ll look into this.

Apple Cider – Warm. Cold. Who gives a crap? When I see the first gallon in the grocery store each year, I yelp. Really. Yelping. Not pretty.

Jumping into leaves – Aside from the rare amputee due to a hidden object, is there anyone who doesnt get giddy when thinking about jumping into a pile of leaves? I think not.

Okay…that’s enough for now. I welcome additions to this list. In the meantime, I’m going to go back to searching Ohio State tribute videos on youtube and pretending this half-caf, skim, moosed turtle mocha from Caribou is actually apple cider.

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